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Friday, January 9

I'll Have a Blue January

Mama Stacey, like 10% of American adults, suffers from clinical depression.  Mine is triggered every January.  I will not say that I have been diagnosed with SAD (seasonal affective disorder), however I feel it when the cold and darkness creep in.  I don't want to clean my home, which I am usually obsessive over (my hair ties are organized by size).  I don't want to cook meals for my family, a normal sense of pride for me.   I nap at the drop of a hat.  Blogging has been something that I start and never finish. 


In NW Pennsylvania, there are bursts of cold/dark/snow/sleet from mid October until mid March (sometimes longer).  Paganism and my family help me during the beginning of this darkness.  Samhain and Halloween start a flurry of activity that keeps my "blueness" at bay.  November houses Thanksgiving, holiday gift shopping (shopping therapy is real thing for me), wine tastings, and Doodle Bug's birthday.  December goes by in a blink of holidays and family and food and baking and bright lights and laughter.  I LOVE the season... until New Year's Day. 

The morning of January first always starts a downward slope, one where the only things I have to look forward to are the taking down of decorations and clearing out the evidence of the holiday's chaos.  I love it at first, the quiet and stillness.  The bluish-white light of winter filters through the windows.  My houseplants show new growth, bouncing back after being pulled inside for the season.  We fill our home with fresh produce and herbal teas, after months of heavy starchy foods and alcohol.  It is a cleansing time of epsom salt baths and solitude.  Even as I type it, this change sounds appealing, but it quickly fades. 



I look out over the coming year and feel fear.  I feel how tired I am and how overwhelmed I am at the tasks to be taken on over the next 52 weeks.  I should be excited at moving to a house.  I should be excited about regaining access to yoga and water therapy.  I should be happy at the freedoms that await me, at the wonders to share with Baby E, about the adventures to have with Doodle Bug. 

Yet... I am not. 

This is what it is to be depressed.  It is looking out on pure bliss and wanting to turn away from it. 

My logical mind knows that this is all chemical.  I know that if I keep taking my D vitamins and getting adequate rest that I will ride this out.  I will try to keep up the house as best I can.  I will spend many a day watching Netflix.  I will build with blocks while Baby E knocks them down.  I will help Doodle Bug sound out Dr. Seuss books.  I will tune out Papa J while he babbles about video games. 

I will.

3 comments:

  1. I hope that this year is easier than last year for you and may next year be easier still. I am more the opposite. I thrive from the start of Fall to about the end of May. I am happy and I clean and cook and enjoy life. Then June hits and I want to curl into a little ball and cry. I feel down and I lose all motivation to do just about anything. It isn't just the heat. I grew up in a pretty moderate climate and I am just not a summer person. I too just focus on trying to eat well and take it one day at a time. It's the only thing I've found that works and I just look forward to Fall, when things will come alive for me again.

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    1. I have read about people who have a sort of reversed S.A.D., so you are not alone. Hugs to you and thank you for the support. <3

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  2. I feel just like Stephanie. I blame it on the heat, that lowers my blood pressure. Also, everything is yellow and dry here in the summer and I feel it's ugly. I just plow ahead.
    I hope January will fly by for you.
    Lucía

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